Insanity

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I had wondered if I was alone in this world in being a crazy and insane mom. It is amazing what having children does to a woman’s brain and emotions. It’s like being a real live jekyll and hyde! I look back on my childhood and now I know why my mom acted the way she did. I think some animals have gotten it right by eating their young…okay that is taking it a bit too far. I have found out I’m not alone. Being a mom makes a lot of women say and do crazy things. Let’s take a look at this shall we? I found a website please check it out!! You will feel much better about being the insane mom that you are. Case # 1 From: Mom Subject: important To: SJ where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you’ve always loved that jacket and have worn it for – what four years now – as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you’d know where you took them off, wouldn’t ya? it only took a month to locate them, lying around somewhere on the third floor. WHERE IS THAT JACKET. if you should remember where you last put it, and if it should still be there, i would like to donate it to a kid who gives a shit. mom I cannot tell you the number of times that I have had to ask my children where something that belongs to them is at. The drama queen has got to be the worst of all of them. So far this past month she has managed to lose two jackets, a pair of shoes, her IPOD, her Nintendo DSI, her homework, a consent form for a field trip, and her stuffed kitty that she has slept with since being a baby! So what do I do? I become Mr. Hyde….oh yes I do. Me: Jaylee where is the IPOD? Jay: It’s in my room on my dresser (drops head and looks down….sign of guilt) Me: Go get it now Jay: Ummmm okay Five minutes later Jay: *sobbing* I can’t find it…someone took it…..I swear it was in my room…..Sarah moved it….I put it on my dresser. Me: Okay, I paid $150 hard earned dollars….dollars that your dad worked his ass off for…..dollars that could go to put food in the fridge…..dollars that I can see have just been thrown in the trash by you…..I am looking for that IPOD and when I find it I will make sure that a child who has enough responsibility to keep up with it gets it. I am going to make you wrap it up in a nice little package with a pretty pink bow and give it to them. Okay so I never found the IPOD…she truly lost it for good this time. Case #2 From: Mom To: LS You are almost 24 and getting a master’s and might be looking for a job someday, and/or trying to make contacts in Europe with adults who might employ you. I REALLY don’t think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on facebook. I’m serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don’t see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I’m done now. Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!! I love this. This mom totally rocks and I am right there with her. Why is it out children must post everything on FACEBOOK? I have fussed about this. I have ranted and raved….I have shut off computers to no avail. Do they not understand everyone looks at these sites. Their family, teachers, future employers, even the preacher at church. Me: OMG! Kyle, look at these pictures Sarah posted on facebook! I am traumatized. I am going to scream! (pics of Sarah, her boyfriend, and Sarah’s trashy I don’t care what people think of me friend…oh yes, you can only imagine) Kyle: Tell her to take them down before people think we allow her to act like that! Me: *Hacks into Sarah’s Facebook and deletes all above mentioned pictures* but not before I sent one of these pics to the boyfriend’s mom and the trashy friend’s dad!!! Me: Sarah what in the name of sweet baby Moses was you thinking? Have you lost every brain cell you were born with? Don’t you know everyone including Santa Claus reads facebook? You will not post anything like that again because people think we are a normal family and it is going to stay that way!!! Sarah: Whatever… *rolls eyes* Case #3 (and my favorite) From: Mom so some people might say, “cut them some slack. you were away for a long time; they did the best they could.” i say, ENOUGH WITH THE SLACK-CUTTING. YOU TWO ARE PIGS. the people from the cleaning service are coming tomorrow. i went into your bathroom, not to make it spotless, but to remove enough filth so i would have a shot of them coming back. the bathtub had so much hair in it. it was so disgusting. i won’t say i’m ashamed. yes i will. i’m ashamed. THIS IS: THIS IS NOT: YOUR COLLEGE DORM So who the hell raised these kids to live like this?? That is what I ask myself everyday. I am not perfect and I don’t ask a lot of my children but I am tired of playing maid to each of them. I cannot believe kids do not care about the messes they make and leave for mom to come behind them and clean it up. I try to remain calm as long as I can but I usually have a melt down at lease once a week! Here it goes: Me: Dear Mother Teresa! What in the world is wrong with you kids? Do you have nothing better to do than sit on your lazy buttocks and play video games or chat on facebook? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! It stops today..it stops now! Jake your room smells like a nasty sweaty gym locker room and there is a pile of disgusting moldy clothes growing inside your closet! Get off that xbox now or it is taking a trip out the window! Sarah, the bathroom looks like Paris Hilton threw a party in there and forgot to call her cleaning service to clean it up! Hang up the phone, log off FACEBOOK, and get your rear end in that bathroom now! When your done I should be able to eat off of the toilet seat…do you understand? Jaylee Madison, you won’t even go to your room because you can’t get the door open to enter! It looks like the tornado that passed through here a couple of weeks ago landed in your room. No wonder you can’t find the IPOD…it can’t find itself! Go up there right now and do not come out of there until every inch of that room sparkles. I AM FINISHED BEING A MAID FOR YOU ALL! You start taking care of your messes or I am donating all of you to research. Okay…I am done bitching for the day but I am so glad to know that I am not the only woman in the world who has gone completely nutso after having hooligans. A day at my house is the perfect form of birth control. Have a wonderful Friday folks!

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