Point me to the funny farm!

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Hell yeah I feel like the above picture most of the time.  It seems that is all I do is run around the house yelling CHILL OUT!  However, I am beginning to think I don’t have this!  I have lost all control over my household….or did I really ever have it?  The drama queen is on spring break this week, mittens is cutting four teeth at one time, cave boy won’t come home cause he has some sense, and I’ve decided my 20 year old is never and I repeat NEVER going to move out.  I feel like pulling every strand of my hair out piece by piece while I rock back and forth singing “Their coming to take me away…hee hee”.  Yes, I am totally insane today….blame it on the hooligans I call my kids.  Let me give you a little recap of my day so far.  Mittens wakes me up at 5am banging me in the head with an empty bottle screaming at the top of her lungs.  I get her bottle and crawl back into bed and then the stupid bitch dog, that belongs to my husband who NEVER takes care of her, starts to growl and whine from her crate.  I’m like screw it dog…piss in the crate…I don’t care.  Well, that didn’t work because her being a bully dog she decided to bite the cage with her teeth until she manages to get the door open.  She runs out of the crate, jumps up on the bed, gives me a “it’s all your fault look”, and then takes a leak on my bed.  I am so angry by this time because I know there is no hope of going back to sleep.  I get up and strip the bed and pull the mattress out onto the back porch where I scrub merciless with every cleaning agent I have in the house until I know there are no remnants of piss left. I spray that bitch down with Febreeze until it smells like a fresh field of flowers.  By this point I am exhausted when I hear drama queen inside the house crying like she just met the boogey man.  I think the worst….oh my Gosh she is hurt, she fell down the stairs, the stupid dog bit her…..I run inside to find her standing over the computer screen bawling because her 20 year old sister who will never move out is sitting there playing on facebook and has “accidentally” deleted the story that drama queen has been writing for days now.  So the fight ensues!  Drama queen pops moody in the back of the head and starts yelling “you did it on purpose…you are jealous cause I wrote a book that is going to be published and make me famous….while you’re gonna be sitting here forever playing on facebook!!!!”  Moody responds….”I hate you and I will play on the computer as long as I want cause you ain’t my mama!”  She then attempts to roll the chair back over drama queen’s feet.  I have to break them up and while I do so I am yelling “you two are crazy…look at you fighting over something so small and driving me insane!!”  I let them know I am one fight away from going to the looney bin.  All of a sudden I hear a man saying “hey in there are you okay?”  Oh my God….someone is at my door..the window is open so he has heard everything.  I tell Jaylee to peek and see who it is.  She comes running back into the room and tells me that it is some creepy dude and she is afraid he is going to chop us up.  I walk in there in my pajamas and jerk open the door.  It’s a stupid meat salesman.  Are you okay….I heard some screaming? Hell no I’m not okay….would you like to clean up after a damn dog who has bladder issues, sit and hold a teething baby cause you cannot peel her off of your hip, referee two insane psychopathic children who have nothing more to do than fight over anything they can find to fight about…..he interrupts me and begins to back away toward his goofy looking meat truck (yes, it has a giant piece of meat on the top).  He keeps saying I’m sorry for popping in on you. I said yeah me too…don’t do it again meat man or I will go all crazy psycho on your meat packing ass!  I’m pretty sure the restraining order is coming soon.  I glance over in the neighbor’s yard and there is Daisy (my bitch dog) making their cat her supper. I try to run over and catch her but she decides to run up on their porch and pop a squat.  Before I can get to her she has dropped a load right there in front of the door.  I am mortified. I grab the stupid dog and get her to her cage and lock it…not that it will matter since she knows how to open the door!  As I am fixing to go back and clean up her mess I see the neighbor pulling into the driveway. Nothing to do now but go hide….I’m sure animal control is on their way too.  I decide to try and write my paper for school.  I get to page number 8 and have to go potty.  When I get back moody (20 year old who will never move out) has taken my place in my chair and guess what she deleted my paper “by accident”.  I just look at her and laugh…what else can I do?  All of this happened before noon.  I am ready for a big super size glass of wine.  I’m not sure but I think I am pretty close to calling up a network to see if I can get my own reality show because I am pretty sure it would be a hit!!!  Well, I am off her and on to retype my essay.  Maybe it won’t get deleted this time…by accident.

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