madness

 

Madness

It is Tuesday already. I haven’t posted in the last few days because it has been complete and utter chaos around here once again. I told the story of of my mum and her accident already. Well, my aunt and I decided we wanted to give her another shot out of the nursing home and see how she would do. I went to pick her up on Friday and she did well. Saturday she seemed to be having a bit of a struggle remembering easy things. Sunday….yep meltdown day for everyone!! I had given her caveman’s room to sleep in until we get moved into the bigger house. She seemed comfortable in there and poor caveman, although he hates being around everyone, was okay with sleeping in the living room. Mom didn’t sleep at all Saturday night. She was up and down and in the kitchen rummaging through cabinets and the fridge. I had a light bulb go off over my head. I could just see my house going up in flames because she wants to cook all the time. So…that put an end to my sleep as well. Sunday was Easter and I got up thinking this is going to be a great day….spending it with the family and all. That didn’t happen either. Mom after finally falling asleep at 5am got up and saw my son sitting in “her” recliner. She went nuts. I mean I knew old people became very possessive of their things but Heavens. She went into a complete tailspin which in turn brought out the worst in everyone in the house. She began yelling at caveman for sitting in her chair, moody child began yelling at her because nana was yelling at caveman, I yelled at moody because she was yelling at nana, Kyle did not yell at me but told me to calm down…he is the calmest one in the house all of the time. Drama queen breaks down and starts sobbing because everyone is yelling. She throws her hands up and exclaims “why can’t we all just get along”! I ask her if she has a dream too because she is sounding a lot like Martin Luther King Jr. I have no choice but to load nana up in the van with no breaks and take her to the emergency room for a mental status change. I assume she has a UTI which does set her off and make her act worse than normal. As I am driving down the curvy backroad back to civilization nana is chanting in my ear about how I ruined everything for her. She tells me I stole her house and her money. Before I know it she throws open the door to the van and attempts her get away. I have bad breaks so I can’t just stop the van. I reach over and grab her before she falls to her death and she back hands me. Yes folks my mother just slapped the shit out of me for trying to save her life. Moody who is in the back seat begins to yell “Stop hitting my mom…you are upsetting me and the baby don’t need to be stressed!!” STOP THE MOTHER EFFING PRESS!!! Did you just say what I thought you said? I run off the road into a ditch (no one is hurt) and I sit there numb. I became a mommy for the fourth time at age 38 and in the same year I find out that I am going to be a granna……OMG I am in shock. My 20 year old bipolar child who cannot take care of herself has went and gotten herself knocked up. Okay, I keep a pretty tight squeeze on her and I had her on birth control to prevent this. She had a miscarriage a few years ago and it was hell trying to get her past that. I am her legal guardian as she cannot take care of herself as one should. I am so angry and my head is spinning. She has a wonderful boyfriend who is good to her thank God but she still does not need a baby. So, I know that although I have an 8 month old myself chances are if she carries I will be taking care of another wee one. Okay flashback to reality…my mom is in the middle of a breakdown…..and so am I. The hospital refuses to keep her but I was right she has a UTI. However, I have decided I am not strong enough to go through another year like the one I had with her previously. My aunt and I decide to call the nursing home on Monday and have her admitted back in. I have to keep her overnight until we can get it taken care of. On the way home at a redlight she jumps out of the van and takes off. By the time I get pulled over I have lost sight of her. She may have brain damage but that woman can move. Moody and I looked for her for 45 minutes until we finally found her hid out in a restaurant. We get her home and she decides she is not getting out of the van. She lays down and goes to sleep for two hours. She finally comes in and acts completely normal….like nothing happen. She has already forgotten what just transpired. I just go to my room and cry. I know there is nothing more I can do. The brain damage is irreversible. I stay up all night watching her and making sure she doesn’t try to go out or burn down the house. Yesterday we took her back and it was heartbreaking. She didn’t seem to mind and thought we had just signed her out on a pass. I stand there watching her walk down the hall toward her “home”…a place where I said I would never put her. I remembered the last words my daddy spoke to me “take care of your mom”. Well dad I know this isn’t the plan you had and I hope you are not mad at me. I know this is the right thing to do. I am taking care of her. I may be preventing her from killing herself or hurting someone else. I took care of her for over a year and I nursed her back to complete mobility. I just couldn’t fix her brain. I have to let go of my mom and let the appropriate people care for her. I won’t leave her though…I will continue to visit her everyday and take care of her as much as I can. I now have another bite on my plate. I have a daughter who is having my first grandchild. I have to take care of myself so that I can continue to raise my hooligans and guide them appropriately. Motherhood isn’t easy. Motherhood takes devotion, love, patience, and the ability to carry on in life when there is nothing but complete madness around you. The picture I posted my not seem to go with this post but this is how I see it. I am standing here looking at my heart which now resides outside my body. My kids have a piece, Kyle has a piece, and my mom has a piece. Although it is my heart it is my family that holds it. I hope that they can take care of it until it sounds it’s last beat. I hope everyone has a great day…as for me I plan on hugging my kids a lot today and cherishing every moment I have of the madness that is mommyhood. xo

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