Today is Saturday which in my blog has become known as Graturday. I take a few moments to just sit and reflect on my life. I think about where I have been and where I am going to go. I have realized in the past few months that I am a strong beautiful soul. I am truly amazed at the journey that I have taken. I know that I have made so many mistakes in my life but those mistakes taught me a valuable lesson about life. Today I just want to say that I am thankful to be a mom. Yes, it can be completely maddening sometimes. Mommyhood can deplete you of every ounce of energy you once had. It can make you question your ability to care for another. Being a mom can make you proud, happy, angry, sad, nervous, excited, and even some emotions that are hard to explain. I was only 18 the first time I gave birth. I was a kid myself and had no idea what I was doing. One thing that no one had to teach me was the ability to love beyond measure. Love just happens. In the very instance that you lay eyes on that sweet child you are overcome with so much love it feels like you are smothering. I remember sitting there holding her after my parents had left. I sobbed at the fact that I had made this perfect little being. I counted her fingers and her toes and I looked her over. I inspected every little spot on her body. She was angelic in my eyes. All those years that I had felt unloved and alone….well that was gone. She had filled me with hope, happiness, and unconditional love.
Had it not been for my parents I would have been lost. I know that I failed terribly at times. I didn’t have the patience needed to raise a child. I was doing this as a single parent due to the fact that “he” wanted no part of it. “He” was abusive mentally and phsyically to me the entire time I was pregnant. I decided to move forward without him. I am thankful I did so. Over the years I have had three more children With each child I gained more knoweledge and patience. I grew as a mother. No one can prepare you for motherhood. They will tell you all the happy stories and make it sound like a fariy tale. What they don’t tell you is that your heart leaves your body and resides in your children’s bodies. They don’t tell you that you may experienc postpartum depression and that you will feel emotions that are scary. They don’t tell you that you will learn to survive on a few hours of sleep or that you will no longer go to the bathroom alone. That a trip to the grocery store alone (if that is possible) will become a mini vacation. They don’t tell you that you will expereince a worry that you have never experienced before. A worry that makes you sick inside….one where you think the worst is gonna happen. They don’t tell you that there will be nights that your baby’s fever will spike to 104 and you will panic and make a mad dash to the emergency room (where over the years you will become family to these people because you are there so often). They don’t tell you that you will be late to every appointment you have because it is inevitable that as you get ready to walk out the baby will puke on you, have a bowel movement that runs out of the diaper, or start screaming and demanding to be fed. You have to learn on your own what each cry means. Is she hungry, sleepy, sick, hurting? They don’t prepare you for the heartache of seeing other children being mean to your little one or the fact that your baby at some point will tell you she hates you. They don’t tell you how quickly your baby is going to grow up and the worry intensifies when you have to set them free and grow their own wings.
So, I’m telling you that having a baby and becoming a mother is not the easiest thing in the world. It is hard. It is a learning process. I will also tell you that no matter how many mistakes you make you are still the best mommy in the world to your child. Mommyhood can be maddening I won’t lie but there is nothing more gratifying in this world. Being a mother is amazing and fulfilling on every level. We are women and we are capable of producing life. Enjoy that. I am so thankful to be a mom. I am thankful for my babies…Sarah, Christopher, Jaylee, Kenna, and sweet little mittens (Hallie).