heels, a camel toe, and the cigarette lady

The image you see above…yes that is the image I have in my head of how it should be to lay down and rest with your wee one.  However that is not exactly how it is in reality.  Nothing we have pictured in our heads about mommyhood or daddyhood is exactly how we picture it.  Turns out sleeping with the kiddos looks more like this…

I love the look on dad’s face by the way. The reason I started off with this today is because I slept maybe a total of 3 hours last night due to baby mittens and her whacked out sleeping habits.  I am sitting here writing with my eye balls floating toward each other.  I had to be up and ready to leave by 7:30am this morning.  Now I know that doesn’t sound too hard to do but in my house it is next to impossible.  For one I am a zombie and unable to make myself get ready before my husband arrives at 6 pm in the evening. I can’t even get in the shower without having a nanny (which I am too poor to have) to watch after the never sleeping mittens.  Anyway, after my daily struggle to get my little drama queen hypochondriac on the bus (she has a new illness everyday) for school I managed to at least put on clean clothes after taking a whore bath (don’t pretend you don’t know what that is)while mittens was clinging to my leg in the bathroom floor.  Yes, she is so spoiled that I cannot even get a bath without her attached to some part of my body. I really don’t care what I look like anymore…and smell well I do still keep that under control.  I had an appointment to get my rockin mommy minivan checked out since last Friday I plowed right through a four way stop because obviously my van doesn’t have to stop for anyone. I get to the stupid service department at the dealership and because I never pay attention, I did not notice they had rearranged the whole set up.  I wondered why the whole crew was standing there laughing at me.  I was all cool like driving in the exit.  I just didn’t notice the nice young man trying to flag me down before I hit one of the finished vehicles exiting the building.  They check it out and come back with news I really didn’t want to hear.  My brakes gone…rotors completely ruined.  Yay me….500 bucks down to Mr. Gary Force Honda….your the lucky winner today.  They tell me it is going to be two hours and that they can shuttle me to the mall so that we don’t have to sit there bored to death.  I’m wondering now if maybe they don’t have something worked out with the mall so that after we lay megabucks down there they take us to the mall and have no choice but to shop til we drop for hours.  Well wrong answer this time…I am on to you.  I was broke and had no moolah to spend so what is the next best thing to do…yep you guessed it!  I took a seat on a bench in the middle of the mall and became a people watcher.  Wow…okay not as bad as Wal Mart but still very interesting.  I love people.  That is a true statement but some people really make me say “what was she thinking or what was he thinking”?  I don’t know why people choose to come to the mall to walk…in high heels.  I swear this lady had  heels on that were as tall as mittens is.  She was having to balance herself every step of the way and I knew it was coming.  Sure enough down she went…well almost.  She caught herself half way down and ever so gracefully.  It looked kinda like drama queen the day she learned to walk in heels inside Container World.  Yes a big store full of containers of all sizes and shapes.  Drama queen wiped out an entire aisle of plastic sweater boxes while parading around trying to look like Mrs. America.  She crawled out of the store that day and we have NEVER been back.  Okay, back to the mall.  Next, the one you see everywhere, the girl who wears clothes that are at least three sizes too small for her.  She don’t see it that way she thinks that the tube top showing off her mountains of rolls is sexy as hell.  The girl had cut off daisy dukes that obviously showed her camel toe as well as both ass cheeks hanging out the back side.  Now I am not one to degrade anyone for their size because I believe beauty comes in all kinds of different packages.  I just think the beauty needs to stay inside the package until it has been bought and taken home. No one wants to see your kitty hanging outside your shorts.  Put that thing back in it’s cage.  I won’t talk about anymore wonders on the inside but I will tell you I grew a vagina today that I didn’t know I had.  I am a free spirit.  I respect other people’s beliefs and rights.  The way I look at it is if you wanna do it, believe in it, or say it go right ahead.  This is America however do not force whatever it is on me if it is something I choose not to take part in.  An example I believe in a Higher power and some people don’t.  I respect that.  I’m not going to force my beliefs down your throat and I don’t want you to force yours on me.  So, here we go, this may piss a few people off.  I am not a smoker…I did try it when I was younger and I quit very quickly after seeing what it did to my father’s lungs and heart.  I don’t like being around it as I know second hand smoke is worse than smoking the damn thing itself…plus I have my 8 month old with me and I sure don’t want her inhaling the cancer fumes.  So I am ready to go outside and sit on the bench next to the entrance and wait for my stupid shuttle to pick us up. As I walk in that direction I notice a woman walk up look at the sign that plainly reads “NO SMOKING allowed at this entrance to the mall.  Designated smoking area at rear of mall. You will be asked to leave.”  Well she politely takes a seat on the bench, takes a cigarette from her purse and lights that bitch up.  I stood there a minute holding mittens and giving her the death stare.  Obviously she doesn’t have kids because she isn’t picking up on the hint from my stare that I am a tad bit angry.  I walk over to the sign and read it very loudly.  I have now embarrassed my 20 year old who so calmly asks me what the heck I am doing.  I politely turn around and look at Mrs. I shall smoke where ever I choose and I ask her…”Can you read dear?”  She is stunned for a minute.  I continue to look at her and finally she says “I didn’t feel like walking to the rear of the mall”. Oh hell no you didn’t just say that.  So I respond while smiling “Well I don’t feel likeN getting cancer today either and I would say that is a little more important than being too lazy to walk a few feet. She moved.  I felt rejuvenated like “wow, I stood up for something”.  Nothing against you smokers…smoke on!  I’m just saying respect others when you do.  Okay so what’s the meaning to this blog?  Nothing.  I just felt like rambling and now I am going to sleep with the sleepless mittens.

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