Well it has been a few shitty weeks if I may say so myself. On Friday I turned 39 years old. I was happy to see I had survived another year but at the same time I really couldn’t enjoy the day due to the feelings that seem to be creeping back in. As you know from previous posts I have lost a lot of loved ones in my life. Starting with my earliest memory of death at age 3. I have lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, three aunts, my brother, and my dad. I have no close relatives left except for my hubs and my kids. I do have my mom but since her automobile accident she is not “my mom”. I took care of her for over a year after the wreck but as her mental status (due to a brain injury and then a stroke) dwindled I had to have her placed in 24 hour care.
These are life experiences that I am sure everyone has dealt with at some point and I don’t claim that my life is any worse than anyone else. I am just admitting that I have a serious problem that I can’t seem to overcome. I have dealt with this evil since my brother passed away in 1989. It seems to get so much worse in the fall and winter. I usually end up back at the doctor and on medicines. However, this year I can’t do that due to the fact that I have no insurance. Now, I must deal with it alone. There are days that I literally find myself crying on and off all day long. I will have a memory pop in my head, hear a song, or see something that reminds me of my brother, dad, or mom and it just opens up the flood gates. I can’t seem to find a way to truly enjoy life when all I do is worrying about death and grieve over my losses.
I get so upset when I think that my dad never even go to meet Mittens and she will never know what an amazing pa she had. I am sad that my brother never got to experience what it was like to be a father when he dreamed of having a house full of children someday. I think back to happier times when we all had each other to lean on and now they are gone. When my mom had her wreck I got so angry at the fact that I had no one to turn to for help. I had to sit by her side by myself for three months with no one to turn to or no shoulder to cry on. Depression just has a way of inching into your soul day by day. It breaks you down and leaves you completely empty. I don’t want to get out of the house and go anywhere. I don’t feel like talking to anyone and I just want to crawl in bed, pull up the covers, and shut out the world. I know I can’t keep doing this. I have a baby again who needs me. I have to shake these feelings and find balance in my life. I have to realize it is what it is and I must deal with it. Life stops for no one. I know my dad and my brother wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life moping and grieving but it is easier said than done. I just wish life had a reverse button to push so I could go back even if just for a day. I would hug them a little tighter and make sure that they knew just exactly how much I loved them. I would listen so intently to everything they said especially “I love you” so that I could memorize every inch of their voices and play it back in my head when I really missed them. In this life we are given we manage to take so many things for granted. We don’t understand anything about life until we have lost those things that are important to us. I thought I knew it all as a teenager and even into my 20’s when in reality I didn’t know a damn thing. I wish I would have listened when my daddy told me to slow down and appreciate life and when he said I would regret something later on. He was RIGHT. The silly fights we had over my ignorance resonate in my memory now. The “if only” scenarios play over and over like a movie on a theater screen. I am a complete mess….a fuck up…..and I know that. I am lost. This doesn’t mean I can’t be found. I am searching for myself and I know I will find me someday. I just have to. This has been one jumbled up post but the point I am trying to get across is that depression can strike anyone at any time. Sadness and emptiness can overcome anyone at anytime. As you walk along in life take time to stop and notice the small things, love your family and friends everyday as if it is your last day with them, hold your children close to your heart, make fun memories that you will enjoy looking back on, and don’t ever forget that even though you feel alone there is someone out there that cares about your happiness. I know these things and I have to put them to use in my life before my life is over.