It Is What It Is

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Hello loves.  It has been a few weeks since I have written and honestly I didn’t even want to today.  I am not a writer and I know that no one really cares about what I say anyway.  I feel like I am just wasting my time but then again this is for me…..a diary of sorts I guess you could say.  Anyway, the last time I wrote I was in a funk….a deep dark funk.  Honestly, I can’t say that I have climbed out of that hole as of yet.  I am trying.  I have reached up and grabbed the rope that has been thrown in to save me….but I am dangling.  The hubs asks me at least one hundred times a day what is wrong with me.  He questions whether I am mad at him or if he has done something.  I have to reiterate  the fact that it isn’t him….it is me.  I am a complete nut job during the fall and winter for some reason.  I cry, I pout, I fuss, I stay in bed as long as possible…..on and on.  I am just a hot mess.  Being a mommy is the only thing that pulls me out of the hole some days.  I love my babies more than anything in the world.  I look into their faces and it takes me back to a time when life was simple and innocent.  I miss being a child.  Mittens started walking on my birthday!  Awesome present from my little gal I must say.  I wondered if my parents was as excited when I started walking?  I miss my dad…
I have been going and visiting mom as much as possible but I hate that nursing home.  It is just so sad out there.  Every door you walk past tells a story of a life that is nearing its end.  I see men and women lying in beds unable to get up and do anything on their own.  I see sadness in their eyes and it breaks my heart.  My mom will talk about going home and what am I supposed to say?  Her mind is never going to heal itself and she will never be able to live on her own again.  Every time I bring her home with me she gets sick and her mind gets worse.  I would give anything to be able to go back in time and stop her from driving that car that day.  Now when I visit her I visit my aunt as well.  The one person in the world who stood by my side and helped me care for my mom for those two years.  She was a rock for me…..now she lies in a bed fighting lung and brain cancer.  Today when I went to see her she looked completely different.  She no longer wears her wig, her body is swollen from the steroids, and she talks about things that make no sense. This woman helped raise her six siblings so their mom could go to work everyday just to be able to put food on the table.  She worked hard her entire life and showed me how strong a woman could be.  She raised her three boys who turned out to be hard working and responsible men.  She buried her husband only two years ago after losing him to pancreatic cancer.  It just saddens me to see her like this.  I try to keep a picture in my head of her healthy and vibrant.  Her smile I hide in my heart.  It seems my heart is filling up with so quickly with the loved ones who have and are leaving me behind.  I know a funeral is in my near future and I will have to tell her goodbye for the last time.  My heart aches because I know after she is gone my dear mom is going to give up as well.  All of this sadness does  make me appreciate the time I have with my children and my husband.  I view life so much differently now than I did years ago.  Being a mom has changed my world completely.  My kids keep me going day to day.  With all the heartache in this shitty world all I have to do is pick up mittens or the drama queen and squeeze them and I feel at peace.  Letting my son spread his wings and fly has really helped put things into perspective as well.  We only have our children at home with us for a short time.  It is our duty to love them, care for them, teach them, and prepare them for the world ahead.  I talk to caveboy every single day and I make sure he is okay.  In fact today I spent 400 dollars to put tires on his car.  Even with him on his own I will still protect him and help him as much as I can.  I know this is a random post but what I am trying to get at is the fact that life is short and sometimes it is quite shitty.  We are given people in life who will love us and guide us but at some point we will lose those people.  Then we repeat the cycle with our own children.  We have to take every minute we have and make it matter.  Love those babies!  Hug them tight every chance you get.  Make sure you teach them every thing they need to know about life….not only money matters and responsibility but matters of the heart.  Teach them not to take anything for granted and to love those close to them.  If you still have your parents in your life…..make time for them.  If they need you then make the time to help them.  Answer those phone calls and stop by to see them as often as you can.  I promise you the day is coming when you will want to pick up the phone and hear your mom or dad on the other end.  Spend as much quality time with your spouse and quit arguing about things that are not gonna matter six months down the road.  Today is all you truly have.  Live in this moment.  Love the life you have been given.  Be the best mom, dad, sister, brother, friend, spouse, lover, teacher (on and on) that you can be.  Yes, I have been grumpy and ill the past few weeks.  I have not been the best person to be around.  I know this and I have to work on it.  I have wasted too much time already moping and wishing things could be different.  Like the hubs tells me every day….It is What It Is!!!

One thought on “It Is What It Is

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. That has to be so hard for you. I think it’s painful to watch someone so strong have to suffer. It is so unfair.

    I am wondering if you maybe have seasonal affective disorder? I get depressed in the fall and winter more. Since moving to NM where there is more sun year round my symptoms are more mild. I imagine all of the stuff going on isn’t helping either. You have a lot on your plate right now.

    Lastly, you are a writer and I do care about what you are writing. Keep doing it!

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