Okay so I have been MIA for quite some time now and I hate that because I do love sharing with you guys. I just never have felt like a “writer” and a lot of stuff I say is no way near funny but often bittersweet. In life anymore we want to hear and see things that make us smile. Over the past few months I have enjoyed many days and felt like giving up many days. I felt the sudden urge to write this last night but I had so much schoolwork I couldn’t. So, lets get this party started up in here. I have begun another soul searching quest for 2013…yes I know you don’t have to remind me. 2012 was going to be MY year. I was going to have some kind of revelation about who I am and what life is all about. Well, I did learn a lot so I say my mission was halfway accomplished. I took time to look back over my life and the insanity that had been my life. I just kept sayin “what if I listened to my parents”? “what if I listened to the preacher?” “what if I listened to my teacher?” You know you do it too….we all do. It isn’t something we grow up to do we learn this early own…I even believe we are born with this trait. As a child you pick one toy over another and then all the way home your question “what if I had picked that other toy?” As teenage girls our outfits are so important so we spend ten hours at the mall going through every f’n store twice might I add and finally after dragging my around listening to your incessant chitter chatter you finally pick the perfect outfit….but once you get home you start wondering “what if I had picked the other outfit” and suddenly you made the wrong choice. All this spills over into us as adults. It just never stops.
Well I have questioned every stinkin crevice of my life and this is what I have gathered so far:
1. What happened when I chose to give my favorite doll away to that little girl down the road? Well this is what happened….even though I missed her especially at bedtime she was off protecting another little girl and holding that little girl each night when she was scared of her abusive father. I was acknowledged for doing a good deed and that year at Christmas I got a brand new doll.
2. What happened when I broke up with my high school boyfriend? What could have been? Well yes I missed him and I realized I was an inconsiderate bitch who walked all over his heart. However, due to his broken heart a wonderful young lady stepped in to console him and today they have two beautiful children together and live a pretty awesome life. I saw him the other day and he thanked me for my time in his life and said I had taught him about love but also about how to overcome heartbreak which had helped him any many instances in life such as losing his grandfather. He said it is kinda funny how the grieving process is pretty much the same.
3. What could have happened if I had stayed with Sarah’s father…what happened because I left. Over the years I began to see that I was a warrior in my own right. I had survived his words, rape, and physical abuse. I had protected my child from him…fought a justice system for three years to rid him. Had I stayed not only would I be dead but so would my child. I was blessed with the fact that I got to be her mom and her dad. I was blessed with learning how to be a single parent and how to survive. That ordeal gave me strength that will go to my grave with me. As badly as I hate the man today I cannot regret meeting him because I wouldn’t have had my sweet Sarah Beth.
4. What might have happened if Jacob’s dad had not walked off and left me when I was pregnant? What might have happened if those birth control pills had worked like they were suppose to? Let me tell you how HIS choice affected my outcome. I was given the right once again to play the role of both parents. My patience grew stronger and my heart grew bigger. I raised a young man who faced many obstacles growing up. He never got all the new toys like the other boys, he never got the brand name clothes, he sure didn’t get a car when he turned sixteen….but he grew up knowing how to treat a woman and not to ever treat a woman (thanks Tyne Coulter), he grew up learning that life owes us nothing and that we must work for anything that is worth having. He learned that it is the small things in life that really truly matter and most of all he learned how strong his mama was and he protects her like a bear. Do I regret meeting his father? Hell no….I think he is a lowlife and karma will eventually get him but had I not met him I wouldn’t have my one son. The son that will carry on my brother’s name and character. He is amazing simple as that.
5. What might have happened if I chose to stay with my daughter’s father whom I spent 10 years with? Well, I can say he might have changed. He might have quit cheating on me and spending all our bill money on booze and women. He might have quit lying about having to work overtime and going on a retreat while he sat in another state watching a ball game which I sat at home puking my guts up from pregnancy nausea. What actually happened because I chose to stand up and say get out of my life? I was able to finally see I was worth more than any of these jack asses gave me. I had faced abuse and rape with the first one, abandonment with the second, and now cheating, lying, and gambling with the third…but from each one of them I learned something different. You know since I was 15 I had been searching for a love to replace that of my brothers which I learned in therapy is not possible. My brother was my protector, my rock, and my hero. He loved me unconditionally and he protected me from the flaws of the world. These men….they couldn’t do that. They threw me into the evilness of the world, broke my heart, and taught me what I would never have in my life again. Once again…no regrets though because I got my babies out of those situations.
6. What might have happened if I didn’t lose my brother? Oh this isn’t an easy one and I really have to think about it daily. I will say this I learned so much from him in the 15 years I had him by my side. I truly learned about life although I didn’t apply his knowledge at the time. I was blessed to have known a true hero, a man that never once complained or asked why me, a man who put everyone else above himself. I don’t know what might have happened if he lived. Maybe we would have drifted apart or had an argument that left us not speaking. Maybe he would have been taken quickly and I wouldn’t have had three years to make things perfect and tell him goodbye. What did happen? Well he taught me how to grieve and to understand that death will eventually knock on everyone’s door. He taught me to love with an open heart, he taught me to reach out to people and help them in any way I can, he taught me to give a smile to someone everyday. He taught me to wake up and be thankful that I am still alive. He taught me gratitude. Why is all of this so important you may ask. Well, I never want to be the person who speaks hatred toward another person because of their color, decisions, or status in life. We all have skeletons in our closet and we all make mistakes. I never want my heart to harden to the point that I just don’t give two shits what happens to my fellow human beings. Go ahead and call me a softie….I don’t care. I would rather shine a light and stand up for myself and my friends rather than put that light out and follow a crowd that is self righteous, hypocritical, and vile.
7.What might have happened with certain friendships? Do I regret those failed relationships? No I do not. Do I wish there was a way to fix them…well some yes and some no. True friendship is not very easy to find these days. Everyone is about themselves. What can I do for myself….forget my friends, family, and neighbors. I learned that friendships end but every one of those people you were friends with taught you something. Take a look back. They may have taught you good things like how to do your makeup, how to cook a good meal, how to meet guys..silly things girls do. However, on the other hand they also might have taught you to look for certain qualities in a friend before committing to that relationship. They may have taught you that sometimes people lie, steal, talk about you behind your back, mock you over your weaknesses, use your weaknesses against you. They teach you to watch your back and to be careful with the company you choose. They teach you that when you find a friend who is trustworthy, giving, caring, and accepts you for who you are that you better damn well hang on to them tight as you can. You better be a friend yourself and give them the respect they deserve. Be there for them even if it means getting up in the middle of the night to go hold them while they cry over a broken heart. To have a friend you must be a friend.
I have truly learned in the past few weeks that people can fool you. They can paint on a face of pretty but inside they can be as ugly as sin. They can do wrong and never admit it even when you call them on it. They can turn the tables and make you look like the bad person. Do you want to know why? Because they are guilty and they need a way to take that guilt away so they find ways to place it on you. Bullshit…yes….truth….yes….hurtful…..yes.
Cry your tears and grieve the death of that friendship but know in your heart that you are thankful for learning sooner than later. You have just saved yourself more drama and heartache. Just forgive and move on. They are who they are just like you are you. It is life.
I am still learning who I am and what I need to do in life. I realize my life is half over and I have accomplished very little but that little part I am so proud of. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, a nurse, a student, as well as carrying many other titles. Are these important to everyone? No way. They are to me. I will work on my puzzle and I will keep on until I am complete….or maybe be a lifetime work in progress. We can never learn too much or be too kind. I hope you have taken something from this today because it comes from the heart. Don’t ever sit and say I regret that because I guarantee you learned something from it that you are not even aware of. Choose the people you bring into your life……you are the author of your own story my friend. You can always turn that story around and give it a better ending.