Wipe it Away Girl

So I wrote the other day about friendships and such…not a truly “happy” post but one I felt like writing.  I know you can see if you follow me that I am kind of a random person…here and there.  I will write for awhile and then be MIA for awhile.  I just get carried away in the insanity of life.  The writings also vary with the degree of depression I am battling at the moment.  The other day I was trying to let go of some emotional baggage that has been weighing me down and I thought maybe it was over but unfortunately we live in a world that thrives more on hatred and revenge than that of kindness and forgiveness.  For the life of me I will never understand some people and I am going to school for that….to understand why people do what they do.  I am thinking I am gonna have to ask for some more classes even after I am finished because there is no way I am going to have the human figured out by September.  So anyway let’s just get to business. With all the ups and downs over the past few weeks I have cried enough tears to fill Barren River Lake(in case you do not know of here said lake it is 10 miles from my house so I know my tears would reach there easily).  Today I find out more stuff that just digs into my soul a little deeper.  Why I let things get to me I will never know.  See…I can’t even understand myself.  I messaged an ex friend of mine today because I heard some things that I really hoped wasn’t true…turns out it was.  I asked her why she was doing certain things even after everything was said and done.  Well, obviously women don’t take to kindly to be questioned.  She wrote me back one of the meanest messages I have received since I was 17 and had to listen to my daughter’s father give me a cursing right before he spat on me.  This is the same piss poor excuse for a man that beat the shit out of an innocent pregnant girl (me).  She talked down to me, called me a whack job, said my kids needed a mother….on and on.  Things I had confided in her as a friend she used against me.  She decided to tell me I am mentally insane (well duh) and I need therapy (duh again).  Yes, I do have a mental illness which I am not afraid to share.  I have suffered depression on and off since I lost my brother when I was 15.  After that life just got worse….many mistakes my own I have to say.  When you are young and you lose the only sibling you have…the one who has cared for you for 15 years it throws you for a f’n loop.  I wanted revenge…on God or whoever was responsible for taking him.  I acted out and I was a pretty worthless teenager and daughter.  I’m not so proud of my past and believe me each mistake I paid for.  I just couldn’t learn…I was one of those who didn’t learn the first time and had to go back and try it again….just a little worse the next time.  I can say thank goodness I never was a drug user and had that addiction. I have to thank my parents for that.  If you read previous posts you will know why.  Anyway, my life was kind of a rocky roller coaster for years.  I did finally settle down when I met Jaylee’s dad.  I loved him and I really wanted a family life. Well, I guess Karma caught up with me because he hurt me in more ways than one.  He cheated on my for 10 years….even when I was pregnant.  I decided after 10 years I had enough….that was all she wrote. I packed his shit and told him to get on….which he did all the way to California in a car that my money paid for.  He left me with bills out the yazoo that I had put in my name because his credit sucked.  He left me in a mess.  So, pissed off I rebelled again.  Now that I wasn’t married and that “security love” was gone I was a lost soul again.  My life honestly could be a reality show.  Over the years I calmed down and I realized what was important.  Although my kids had always come first in my eyes it still wasn’t good enough.  I dedicated everything to them as well as caring for my dad who was fighting heart disease.  With 8 heart attacks under his belt I knew he wouldn’t be around long.  I was right.  Losing him woke me up for good.  Although I had completely grown up and lived life in a positive way his death made me re-evaluate my actions.  I decided to do away with Becky and found Becca.  I was new and for some reason I started seeing the good in everyone.  I just wanted to reach out and help any lost soul I could.  I call it my “savior complex”.  Everything became about the other person. My happiness and selfishness were gone.  However, over the next few years and up until now I have struggled with severe depression.  It is a thing I don’t talk to everyone about because I just want to help them find some kind of peace.  In doing that it gives me a release if that makes sense.  Today everything I have tried to do, all the kindness I have tried to display, the mission of “healing everyone but myself” was shattered.  It was shattered by words.  Words can be painful….more painful than a slap to the face.  This “friend” of mine decided to tell me how everything was about me.  How I didn’t care about anyone else.  She said all I do is talk about my dad and my past and blah blah blah.  She said I should never have trusted anyone on the internet because they were not my friends.  She just went on and on hurtful word after hurtful word.  I sat there reading that with tears streaming down my face and those words started to rip open my scars and dig into my wounds.  I never felt good enough.  I never felt like my mom loved me like she loved my brother. All of a sudden I was that 17 year old girl being beaten by a man who didn’t care whether I lived or died.  I was the little girl praying in a hospital chapel that God would take me instead of my brother because he was the good one.  I couldn’t help a soul…that was his job.  There I was the young girl again who tried every way in hell to ruin her life to end the sadness.  Yep, words took me there to that dark place.  I sat there thinking she is right…I am sick.  Everything is my fault.  Then at that moment Jaylee came up behind me and kissed me on the back of my head.  She said “mama, have I told you today how much I love you and that you are the best mom ever?”  Once again that took me back to a three month period where I didn’t get to see her because I was in a hospital trauma unit praying that my mom would fight for her life.  It was at that time I realized my mom loved me…she really loved me.  I just couldn’t see it growing up.  In that moment Jaylee helped me so much more than those words could ever hurt me.  I am loved by my children no matter what illness I suffer from, no matter how mean other people can be to me, no matter what they think of me…I am super woman to my children.  I felt better and then I sign on to download a book that was given to me by a new friend and I just jumped into my page to see if there was anything new and there was a message from my new friend.  I needed that message tonight more than she will ever know.  It just seems when all chips are down for me something happens and I’m right back in the game.  When I feel my lowest it never fails that one of these ladies I have met online reach out to me with just what I need to hear.  She spoke words to me that instead of digging into my wounds took out the band-aids and began to place them over those wounds.  She made me see that I am not useless.  I am not a “whack job” and even though I do have some issues I am a good person inside and out.  I have changed and my life is being lived in a positive manner.  I have a silly page that started out to be therapy for me and through the messages I have received over the past months it has been therapy to so many other women.  You know what?  Yep, I am nobody but I am a nobody who cares about other people and how they feel.  That is why I will stand up for my friends when they are being trashed even if it means I will be put through hell for the next 6 months of my life.  I don’t live for anyone but myself….and my kids.  I don’t have to please anyone else and my happiness is just that…MINE.  You can’t take it away if I don’t let you.  You can’t change my attitude about who I am and what I do unless I let you.  Do I sit an pout about my past…hell no.  It made me who I am today.  I use it to help other women who are facing the same demons I did…if that makes me bad then I guess I’m as bad as they come.  Every now and then do I need to just break down and have someone to lean on…hell yeah I do.  The problem with that is knowing who will and won’t use it against you when they are pissed at ya.  I think I know who those people are now.  I know the ones of you who love me for who I am…..whack job and all!!! So, to my children, my husband, my madness women, and to Carolyn my new friend…thank you all for the healing words you have given me tonight because I know who I am and right now I am pretty damn proud of that girl!  Now…I am sleepy and ready to cuddle up to my sweet cheeks Mittens!  Big hugs to each and everyone of you!



4 thoughts on “Wipe it Away Girl

  1. So very real, glad you have been able to face the messes and bad choices, own the flaws and let go of the baggage. We are a wrok in progress!
    Adore you!
    Carrie @ Just Mildly Medicated 😉

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