More like my Mama

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I have always heard daughters become more like their mom’s as the years go by but I will be the first to tell you I disagreed with that statement up until the last few years.  It is so insane to see the similarities that start to blossom the older you get.  When I was a child my mom and I did not have a close relationship.  I have talked about this before.  I always felt she loved my brother more so I pulled to my daddy.  I never saw myself in her.  I wasn’t there in her looks, her attitude, or her sense of humor.  I got all of those traits from my dad. In school I was an extrovert and I had many friends.  I was the life of the party.  I didn’t have too many enemies and could get along with the upper crowd as well as the those that weren’t so blessed.  I was my father’s child.  Just in the past few years I have started hearing people say “you have your mom’s eyes”, “you have your mom’s high cheek bones”, or “you have your mom’s smile”.  It is an odd thing how we come out of the womb looking one way, over the years we take on traits from our parents, then we are told you look like your dad or your mom, and then we “become” our parents.  It is the little things I have been catching myself doing.  The biggest thing is socializing.  My mom was pretty much a hermit after my brother died.  She didn’t like to be around a group of people.  She would just rather stay at home where she felt safe and comfortable.  I have become that way just in the past two years.  I want to stay home in the peace and quiet (okay….noise filled and fighting kids) of my own home. My mom worried about everything I did. She thought she knew it all and I was pretty sure she was wrong and only wanted to run my life.  Well here I am with four girls of my own and a boy who I really can’t complain about.  However, those girls are turning my hair gray.  It is something all of the time.  I fuss and I complain.  I tell them they are gonna get hurt (even if they swing a little higher than I think they should).  I worried about every guy Sarah liked because I knew they were not good for her but somehow she thought I was wrong….and she was right.  Now I am headed down the same path with Drama Queen.  A couple of silly little things I have noticed and had to giggle about.  I used to make fun of my mom for getting up all hours of the night to have piece of toast with strawberry jam or a bowl of rice crispies.  Yep, that is me.  I have already had three pieces of toast tonight.  She slept late during the day and sit up all hours of the night.  That was just her.  I would go up there at 2pm on a Saturday and she would be in bed.  Dad would tell me she hadn’t gone to bed until 4am.  Yep, me again.  Of course I have the Mittens so times vary but she is on my schedule I guess….which isn’t a good thing.  We cuddle and watch tv until about 2 or 3 am and then we sleep most of the time until 11. I hear her voice in my voice.  I catch my self saying something and there she is…then I am like what the hell???  My mother has possessed my body.  She is in my brain poking around in my thoughts.  You know I see so much of her inside me and honestly I am proud.  I am so glad to be carrying pieces of her so that when she is gone I have those and I will never forget.  She really was a good woman.  She stayed at home to help pay her mom’s bills and care for her even after the other five kids left.  She loved her mama more than life itself.  She never had a life because she dedicated it to her mom. She cared for her until she passed away.  After the loss she suffered a nervous breakdown but through strength she recovered. She met my dad while working in the hospital and they were married in no time…her first and last love…her only love.  She worked to care for my brother and I….she worked until she injured her back and couldn’t work anymore.  She learned she had rheumatoid arthritis which has left her unable to have complete use of her hands.  She lost her son when he was only 23 after 3 years of dedicating her life to his care.  She watched a child she had carried for almost 10 months and raised for almost 20 years become violently ill in a matter of days and then fight for his life and lose the battle.  She almost didn’t survive that loss.  Over the years she buried her mom, her dad, her father in law, her mother in law, uncles, aunts, my brother, two of her sisters, and my dad.  Through these struggles I saw a strength in my mom that no one knew was there. You know I watched her sit by my daddy’s side too many times to mention.  He suffered nine heart attacks over ten years.  The last one took him from us.  We sat in the room with him just as we had with my brother and we held him until he took his last breath.  She survived.  It wasn’t easy and she still cries just about everyday….but she survives.  I think the biggest thing that makes me so proud to be her daughter is the fact that she faced death head on and said NO I AM NOT FINISHED HERE.  No one except the doctors and nurses that cared for her knew how close to death she was.  When you are told to gather and say goodbye because she will never make it through the night you pray like you have never prayed before and you speak to her and you beg her to keep fighting  You tell how much you love her and how sorry you are for all the shitty things you said to her and for not listening to her when she was just trying to keep you safe.  You replay your entire life and you realize she did love you!!  I saw this tiny woman whose body was wrecked with injuries…bones broken, spleen lacerated, colon lacerated, brain bleed, heart attack….on and on.  Everytime they came to her bed they told us something else was wrong.  Many times I was called to make a decision whether to keep working on her when her heart was giving out…yes keep working!!! That is MY MOM!!!  I was so afraid of being left alone.  For three months I sat by her side….and once again I saw a superwoman.  I saw a soldier in her that wasn’t about to lay her gun down and surrender.  Today she still fights but in a few months if things go well she will be back at home where she belongs and I will be by her side.  I will tell her how proud I am that she is my mother and how proud I am that I am becoming more and more like her every single day.  If you still have your mom and dad then love them…love them with everything you have.  It is a sad place when they leave you.  So…..mama I love you with my heart and soul!!

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One thought on “More like my Mama

  1. Hi, What happend with your Facebook page? when I did a search on FB this site came up so at least I can follow you here. I hope all well, I am super sad that your page being down but hopefully it will be back up soon. Natasha

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