Tell Me Why?

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I posted this on my page yesterday and underneath it was the simple comment “Why”? Well, you know that is a good question.  I sat and I thought about this and although I don’t know that it is true for everyone I feel it is for a lot of people. 

Sometimes the prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets.  I believe that sometimes the only way we can get away from the secrets we have locked inside is to put a smile on our face and “pretend” they aren’t there.  Sometimes we make mistakes or lock away secrets in our sub-conscious just to keep our sanity.  I don’t speak for everyone because I can’t.  I have no idea how it is inside the life of others but I have had friends in the past who I know did this as well as myself.  I share a lot of my personal life on this blog because it is MY therapy.  It is my release.  I know so many don’t understand how I bare my soul but it is my way of healing.  I hide so many things behind this smile.  I am the girl who you will always see smiling if you meet her on the street.  I appear to be the happiest person on the planet.  I have been asked before how I can be so happy all of the time.  Well, answer is I am not.  No one sees the smile disappear at night when I am locked behind my bedroom door.  Am I unhappy with my life?  NO, I have a good life now.  I have a wonderful husband, healthy children, a nice home, food on my table, and clothes on my back.  I do not take that for granted but I do let things from my past invade my head and my heart.  I had a best friend growing up that was always happy.  We lived a block away from each other and we spend every waking moment together.  She made me happy just by her smile.  For years she hid a secret deep inside that about killed her although she smiled on the outside.  She confided in me one day that her father had been molesting her as long as she could remember.  She sat there with tears streaming down her face, trembling with fear, and unsure of what was going to happen next.  This was a man who played the piano in our church.  A man who had served his country in the military, and who had fathered four beautiful children.  For days I cried and I debated what had to be done.  She had made me promise I wouldn’t tell but I could not allow this to continue.  We were only children who were just hitting puberty and understanding what sex was and what relationships were suppose to be.  I knew I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I went to my mom and we went to her mom.  He was charged and sentenced to a jail term that would keep him away at least until my friend could be out on her own.  She came to me weeks later and hugged me tight.  She thanked me for standing my ground and saving her from more heartache.  That girl painted a smile on her face everyday although she was hiding a horrible secret inside.

The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears.  Yes, our eyes tell a lot about who we are.  They speak a language all of their own.  You can tell when someone is lying to you, when they are happy or sad, and even when they love you.  However, these eyes also shed tears.  They weep for many reasons.  We as humans have natural ways to release our emotions.  Tears come from a place deep inside us and they help to wash away some of those emotions.  I have cried for years.  I have experienced loss as we all do and the only way I have to express that grief is to shed tears of sadness for those gone from my life.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul….yes they are.  Our souls need to be cleansed sometimes and that is through our tears.

The kindest hearts have felt the most pain.  I believe sometimes that is why we do have kind hearts. We are human and we feel empathy as well as sympathy.  We see others in pain and it hurts our heart.  We see the hungry and we long to feed them.  We see the homeless and we long to find them shelter.  It is just human nature for most of us to be kind.  I think as we travel this road of life we have experiences that are not so good.  They hurt us, make us sad, teach us lessons, and also show us that we should appreciate the good things in life.  When we feel pain it hurts and we can allow it to create monsters inside us or use it to create a kindness for others.  Growing up I experienced many levels of pain.  I survived a home that was taken over by addiction to pain killers.  I survived the loss of my brother at age 15.  I survived abuse and rape by someone who was suppose to love me and  I saw my child abused by the same man and I fought through pain and heartache to save her.  Over the years I survived many more things such as fighting for my child who has fought mental illness, losing a husband to an addiction for women and alcohol after 10 years of marriage.  I survived the grief losing all of my grandparents, three aunts, two uncles, and most recently the most important man in my life….my daddy.  I survived dealing with the trauma of an accident that left my mom unable to care for herself. I cared for her for two years and lost my car, my job, and my home.  I felt that pain but I also survived it.  Yes, I still deal with it every single day of my life but I became stronger, wiser, and kinder.  Today I long to help others because of the empathy and sympathy that pain taught me.  No one wants to feel pain but I can tell you that you can use it and you can learn from it.  Always be kinder than necessary because you do not know what battles that someone is fighting.  Reach into your soul and feel the pain you have experienced and use that to make you a better person.  Yes, I have felt pain but I honestly believe that pain has made me who I am today.  Am I perfect?  Hell no. I am no where near perfect but I can say that I want to help others.  I can say that I try to do what I can for others because I have been there. 

So this answers the question “Why” for me.  I can’t say that it is the answer for you because we all feel and believe in different ways but I can say I feel and totally understand what that picture means. 

Bex

2 thoughts on “Tell Me Why?

  1. Bex,
    This is so beautiful! So true, I agree with every single point you make! You are such an articulate writer and your words go straight to my heart! Thank you for being in my life! You make every day brighter just by spilling your true vulnerable heart and you inspire me and so many others! Xo

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