Forgive….a word that at one point made me cringe. I have always heard “You should forgive but never forget”. Well, to me that contradicts the entire idea. I have always been the type of person who hates drama and lives to please others. If someone did something to me I would quickly forgive them and move on. However that changed after I met Sarah’s father. There are some things in life that I feel is hard to forgive like abuse, rape, murder. Well when it comes to the way certain men treated me as well as my children I also found it almost impossible to move past the hurt and betrayal.
I will not go into detail as I have told many stories of my past in previous posts. I will get to the point. Recently my son’s father passed away. My son and this man had a very strained relationship to say the least. He denied my son for so many years and then attempted to fix that mistake. He then treated my son differently than his other three kids with his new wife. He put me down each and every time my son visited him and when my son turned 12 he said he was never going back due to the verbal abuse not only directed at him but at me as well. Over the years he never called to check on our son and never offered to help. He was made to pay child support and even went to jail a few times for being so late.
My son attempted to call his father a few time after he really got sick but the wife always came up with and excuse for not letting him talk to him. She would every now and then send nasty messages to my son about how worthless he was not to try and fix things…really? It was her fault as well as my son’s father…not my son. I hated them. I literally hated them…no bones about it. I hated him for leaving me while I was pregnant, I hated him for denying our son, I hated him for choosing her over me, I hated him for neglecting my son….hate hate hate. It consumed me. I just could not find it in myself to forgive him for everything he had done. In his last few days my son decided he would be the bigger person and he would go to his father and speak his peace and tell him goodbye. He had to work on the weekend and had planned to go on Monday…..Tyne died on Sunday night. My son was devastated that his father never reached out to make things right with him and that he never got to “forgive him”. Well, neither had I. He died knowing I still harbored these feelings and such a strong anger against him. Did he think about that in his last days? I doubt it seriously but now I think about it everyday. I read books on forgiveness and I even went to therapy for it but nothing worked….nothing until now. My son’s father in some sort of weird but sad way healed my heart of hatred and being able to forgive. In his death I found forgiveness. I felt such a sadness the day I heard the news. With everything he did to me and my son I was still upset that he was gone and that he had left behind four children who needed him. Why had he not asked my son for forgiveness? I have no idea. Maybe he was too ashamed or maybe he had too much pride. I will never know. It really doesn’t even matter because today I am free of the hatred and I forgive him….I just wish he was still here to tell him. Thanks to him now I forgive the others. The ones who hurt me so badly. I forgive the man who raped me while I was pregnant with his child…not because he deserves it but because I deserve to be free. I forgive the cheating of ten years and the woman who broke my home….not because they deserve it but once again because I need to be free. My soul is free, the weight is lifted from my shoulders, and my heart is full once again. It is free to love without fear. I have not felt this relieved in years. I only wish I had listened to those who told me to let go so many years ago.
So if there is someone out there that is emptying out your happiness day by day and little by little let it go. They don’t deserve to have any space in your heart, mind, or soul. They are not worth the stress or the heartache you carry. You are the bigger person and you deserve to be free. Take advice from a woman who has carried this burden for 21 years. Don’t waste your time and energy. Karma is your friend if you are karma’s friend. Do good, show kindness, sow love and let the anger go. Those who hurt you will have to face their own demons but don’t let them make you face their demons as well. FORGIVE AND MOVE ON….you deserve it.