Toddlerhood

Why did someone not remind me what dealing with the terrible two’s from a toddler is like?  In the past few weeks I somehow slid down the slope to toddler hell.  This is no exaggeration.  The cuddles are few and far between, the screaming is ear shattering, the house is destroyed, the dogs are losing pieces of their tails, and honestly I am losing my sanity. 

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It is always something and never a dull moment.  I feel confined to the four walls of my house because it is a hassle to take her out in public.  Getting through a grocery store without someone threatening to call social services is a feat in itself.  I get to the check out and realize I am paying for stuff I never put in the buggy and the things I needed are gone…poof just like that.  Now restaurants?  That is a hoot.  I get so excited about the thoughts of putting her is a high chair and keeping her there for at least 45 minutes with her kicking and screaming the whole time.  I love watching her take her food and chuck it across the room into someone else plate or drop a nice piece of chicken so that the very busy waitress can slip and fall on it as she walks by.

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I am almost 40 years old and I don’t think my body is in any shape to keep up with a 2ft bottle of Red Bull mixed with Monster…..add a pinch of sugar.  I can’t turn my back on her because if I do there is no telling where I will find her or what she will manage to do in 2 seconds. Let’s take for instance the dishwasher which I later learned upon turning it on that she had poured a half of a bottle of dishwashing liquid into it.  I’m sure she was just trying to help.

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I might find her in the tub as I am cleaning it and turn my back to grab the phone which is ringing off the hook.  I’m sure she just felt she needed a bath, right?

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While cooking supper I always know at some point she is gonna catch someone getting in and out of the fridge and make a break for it.  I am sure that she is just hungry since I starve the poor thing?!  Right?

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What about the things she manages to get into without me even knowing?  She is a sneaky little Mittens.  Every time I get home with groceries and attempt to put them up she drags them back out as quick as she can.  Just when I think I am done I find her stash.

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Sleep?  Yeah right!  What is that?  A Nap?  Yeah for her but not for me.  I have to take the 10 minutes she sleeps to go in search of my sanity which has been lost for awhile now.  She runs herself in circles pulling every toy she has out and strategically placing them exactly where she knows I will step.  How she has that one figured out I don’t know.  However, I have found out that the Legos and plastic pieces of food…well they do the worst damage.

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My clothes are not mine anymore….nothing is sacred in this house.  She will undoubtedly have my panties on her head at least twenty times a day or even wear the potty seat around her neck.  She finds my t-shirts in my drawers, puts one on, and chucks the others all over the bedroom.  I have went through 5 toothbrushes and two tubes of toothpaste in two weeks.  Somehow she manages to pull them out of my cabinet and I find them in some pretty disturbing places.  I found the toothpaste “pasted” to the dog….the whole tube.  I found my toothbrush in the toilet, the dog crate, in the dog’s mouth, in the van under her seat, and in the fridge jabbed into a hot dog. 

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When I need something it is never in the place I put it.  She made me think I was truly insane for weeks because I would find things in different rooms and not remember moving it there.  Finally one day while cleaning her potty (she never uses except for a necklace around her neck) and I hit the mother load.  She had put tons of stuff in there.  My hubs had lost his wallet for days and had even reported his license and credit cards missing.  He kept accusing me of taking his cologne so he couldn’t wear it to work…..well the thieving bandit was finally found out.

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Let’s not forget that I got the car sick toddler and that every time I go out I have to take two extra outfits, a trashcan, and a hefty supply of paper towels, wipes, trash bags, and air freshener.  I learned the hard way after the first three times. 

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I forgot how much toddlers like to be naked.  I also forgot that they do learn to take their own clothes off.  For a week my husband came home and the first thing he would say was “Why is Mittens naked”?  After a week of me explaining she takes her clothes off herself and him NOT believing me and just assuming I was a lazy mom who didn’t feel like getting her dressed he learned on his own.  That weekend he got to dress her over and over and over.  He really loved it when we were outside cleaning the yard and he turned around to find her wrestling with the dog…..naked.

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Oh, and don’t ever leave any food near the edge of the stove or counter top especially when you have a food crazed Mittens in the house.  I have on more than one account found food piles on the floor as Mittens and the dogs enjoyed supper together.

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These are just a few of the many incidents that happen in the daily life of my toddler.  I’m sure I could write a book on it.  I know that someday (in about 18 years) I may find my sanity that is missing and has been for 21 years.  I can’t believe that I survived three toddlers and now on my fourth I have realized how truly hard it is.  For some reason I must have had a brain lapse and forgotten how hard and draining it really is.  Yep, it is stress filled, chaotic, insane, and strips you down to the bare boned no nerve status but it is worth every minute because at the end of day my toddler loves her mama unconditionally and all those kisses make me one insane but happy mommy.  I know one day soon all the little pitter patter of feet, all the filthy handprints, and all of the scattered toys will be gone and my house will be silent….that kinda makes me sad.

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4 thoughts on “Toddlerhood

  1. Dear Mommy in Toddler Hell..There this wonderful discipline called time out u put ur little devil in a chair she is not able to get down to play for one minute for every year she is old…maybe you can break her little habits tow minutes at a time…

    • Hello Roxanne,
      I know exactly what time out is. I have used it on enough kids. She is a toddler and this is a mommy blog. Kinda rude to comment that way if you ask me. Don’t like what you read then don’t read it. It is written to make other moms smile and know they are not alone. Go punish your own children if you have any.

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