Wonder

“Wonder”

Doctors have come from distant cities
Just to see me
Stand over my bed
Disbelieving what they’re seeing

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god’s own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

Newspapers ask intimate questions
Want confessions
They reach into my head
To steal the glory of my story

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god’s own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She’ll make her way

People see me
I’m a challenge to your balance
I’m over your heads
How I confound you and astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
Of god’s own creation
And as far as you can see you can offer me
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She’ll make her way

 
So if you have followed this blog or my Facebook page then you have heard me mention Sarah Beth aka Miss Moody.  Let me just refresh you.  I was physically abused by her father while I was pregnant with her. She nearly died as a result.  I had a very traumatic birth due to the abuse and her heart stopped three or four times.  I watched as my little baby turned blue and required resuscitation. Over the next year I fought to protect her from an abusive man and only after she nearly died at his hands did a judge finally terminate his rights.  I started noticing delays in Sarah and saw her withdrawal. After a year or so and visits with multiple doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists I found out that my child’s lack of oxygen during birth had left her with some brain damage.  That was the beginning of a long tiresome journey.  She was put into pre-school and speech therapy at age 3.  She wasn’t like the other kids and lacked the social skills that is required to make friends and interact with others.  She would become violent within seconds over simple things.  She lacked the communication skills to relay what was hurting or bothering her.  She started acting out in terrible ways and I was guaranteed to get a call from school daily. 
     Over the years it worsened and people began to avoid me because they didn’t want to be around my “retarded” child.  Those words penetrated my soul like a dagger.  Sarah began to binge eat, steal, and lie.  She acted on impulse with no thoughts of consequence or remorse.  She began to be violent toward her brother as well as herself and inanimate objects.  I had holes in my walls, broken windshields in my cars, and clothes shredded to pieces.  Teachers would pass her on to the next grade so they did not have to endure her another year.  My heart just broke more and more. It is a terrible feeling to know your child is different and does not meet society’s definition of normal.  I ached for her sadness and for the fact that she was lonely.  Years of treatment and being in and out of hospitals did nothing at all. At age 14 after years of being shunned and bullied she attempted suicide.  At that point in OUR lives something had to change.  All the endless nights of fighting and crying while hidden in my room at culminated into a train wreck. 
    I had to save my daughter.  I had sang this song to her since she was a wee girl but over looking the true meaning behind it.  My daughter was one of those wonders.  She had been created special and sent to me because I was strong enough to carry her through the tough times.  Even if the world didn’t believe in her I did.  After she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, personality disorder, and mild mental retardation due to her IQ I started a war on mental illness and on all the naysayers.  Those who never had any hope for her were kicked out of our lives.  I was armed with knowledge and my rights as a parent of a child with special needs.  I learned to ignore the looks when she had a meltdown. I learned to tell the parents of bullies to contain their child and to teach tolerance and love.  I learned to have patience and determination. I also learned that even though we had to travel through the valleys that we also got to visit the mountain tops.  I had to accept the fact that although these doctors could treat her, they could never cure her.  This was our path to travel.
     The struggles would continue but I was prepared to fight them.  My child was lost in a society filled with judgment and condemnation for those who suffered from mental illness.  I had to be her advocate and fight for the life she deserved.  That is just what I did.  I found myself using this song as my encouragement.  I always believed in the idea that “she would find her way”.  This song was written for a woman who was born with disabilities and to me it is a tribute to all of our children who are born with special needs.  They will make a way.  They will defy the odds that are placed on them.  These children…they are a challenge to the balance of what society considers normalcy but who cares?  They are perfect just the way they are and as I see it a challenge is wonderful.  It is the drive that pushes us to success.  These children are gifted and they are ours. They teach us what life is all about.  When I looked into my daughter’s eyes I saw a soul that was afraid to come out because she was different.  Society wouldn’t let her be who she truly was without making her feel inferior.  Well, that is what we are here for.  We are our children’s advocates. Inside every child that has a special need is a child that is “normal” in his/her own way.  They have love just like we do even though they may not express it in the same way.  The people who do not have a special needs child may not get it.  They may stare, laugh, point fingers, and talk behind our backs and that is okay because they suffer from ignorance.   I am grateful that I was chosen to be the mother of a child that pushed my limits, that challenged my balance, they needed a little more attention.  Do you know why?  Because she taught me a love that I never knew before.  She taught me that normalcy is over rated. She taught me that struggles are worth the fight. She taught me that it is okay to be who I am no matter what society thinks.  I feel that my daughter answered my question of “why am I here…what is my purpose?”  It was to raise her to be the woman she is today.  As I sit here holding my grandchild in my arms, I see the reward of my efforts. I don’t see a failure in what I did.  Even though she still struggles, requires meds to keep her moods level, and may not be able to do all the things others do she is a wonderful mother and she moves forward every single day. So, listen to the song and let those words flood your soul.  Understand that you may have bad days, you may cry yourself to sleep at night, and you may not understand why but one day you will.  One day you will be able to look back and say I did it and I survived.  I raised a beautiful child and you will realize all the wonderful things that child taught you! You will know your child was one of the wonders….God’s own creation!

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