Today has been one of the insane maddening mommy days. I am exhausted…drained and all I can think about is the statistics paper I have to do. The dogs woke me up first thing…off to a great morning! Those damn dogs are ALWAYS into something. They are worse than the toddler…okay they are about the same. Somehow Daisy managed to get the bedroom door open and escaped. She then used her “Houdini” skills to jail break Murphy who was in his crate. I hear a banging going on in the living room and when I get in there the dogs had obviously been plotting their escape for awhile because they had managed to get the front door open and they were out in the yard frolicking like Tiny Tim who tiptoes through the tulips. I yelled at the hubs to get his ass up and chase them this time because I wasn’t about to let the “hot” neighbor see me running about in my tank and panties (after he had caught me ass up in the air cleaning their shitty crate the other day)! Well Mitts and I decide to take a shower because I have tons of things to do today and I need to get on it. I always leave her in the shower after I get out so she can play. I put up all the razors and bottles and put her toys in there. Well, I was drying off and starting to get ready when I hear her start crying and then this blood curdling scream pierces my ears. I grab the shower curtain, rip it back, and there she stands pointing to the floor. OH MY HOLY BABY BUDDHA. I swear to you on all that is holy there is a
turd cement block the size of my fist sitting in the middle of the shower floor. It is huge and hard as a rock. I don’t know how in the hell this child just pushed that monstrosity out of her ass. I would have been screaming too. I think she was afraid it was going to raise up and eat her or something. I grab the toilet paper and scoop it up, toss it in the toilet, and then go to clean her up. Well, much to my surprise (okay I am never surprised anymore) there is another mountain of poo behind her and a nice stream running down her legs. I now figure out why she has been crying for days. She had an impaction and the “diarrhea” was the stool running out from around the impaction…yeah yummy stuff to hear huh? Sorry, I’m a nurse and it takes a lot to make me nauseous. Well, I clean up the nice, shitty tub and the baby and I smile because at least it was in the tub and not on the carpet. Lunch time arrives and I decided to fix some coconut shrimp which has to go in the oven. I preheat it like I am suppose to and go to do some of my homework while I am waiting. In the meantime I feel my poor nose start stinging and I have to go check it out. Well, for those of you who do not know, I got my nose pierced for the second time a few weeks back. It has been infected on and off but oh my…never like this. I notice blood around it and my nose is the size of an elephant snout. I try to clean it but the stud has somehow sunk into the skin. I can’t get to it. I fiddle and fiddle with it and finally get it out. I then smell something burning and I remember I lit the oven but why does it smell like the house is burning down? Well I go running in there and there is smoke rolling out of the oven and then the loud annoying fire alarm goes off as the house fills up with smoke. I am terrified to open the door but I do and there is a fire. I shit you not a f’n fire is burning in my oven. I scream at the hubs and me and him both are in there looking like a bunch of firemen on crack trying to get this fire out. Once we got everything under control I get the look of death from him…..I had left a pizza box in there from two nights ago…oops. That box had caught on fire and for some reason the hubs didn’t find it as humorous as I did. While we are trying to prevent the house from burning to the ground Mittens decides she is going to be superbaby. She climbs up in the kitchen chair and tries to jump off frontward but instead loses her balance and falls backwards before I can get to her. She of course lands on the back of her head and I am freaking out. I am yelling at Kyle to get the car cause we are going to the hospital. He tells me to chill out because she is conscious. REALLY? Just because it didn’t knock her out doesn’t mean she don’t have some brain damage….he just laughs at me. Okay, I agree I am exaggerating but head injuries are bad. I do not like them. I sit down to take a break and my 6 year old step-daughter comes and sits beside me. She hands me a letter and says “I wrote this just for you”. I’m thinking awwww so sweet…she knows I am having a crappy day. This is what the letter said: (spelling courtesy of the 6 year old.)
Dear Rebeccy, just cuase you spilled things, just cuase you said oh Jesus to many times, just cuase you got sick tody, just cuase you had to say mitttens all day, just cuase you said shit when you burnned the pizza box and cuased smoke in the house, just cuase you never do your school work, just cuase you let mitttens fall and bunk her head means you are sill a good persun. You are not a bad persun and God still loves you just like I do. No body is purrfect.
Okay so I think that was supposed to make me feel better? However after that I decided it was time for a bottle of wine. Well wine does not go well with statistics homework nor does it help my brain to function properly. My nose was hurting and I decided I needed to clean it again and get something in it before it grows up. So I ditch my homework yet again and head to the bathroom. I about shit when I see my nose because it is huge. That should have told me to clean it and leave it alone but do I think along those lines? Nope. I get it cleaned and I find my new belly button ring….which is not made to go into a nose. However, I have learned where there is a will there is a way. Needless to say I keep on poking until I get this spike in my nose. Okay, it looks like a disco ball and one end is on top of my nose while the other is hanging out the bottom of my nose. DQ comes walking in to ask me a question and when I look up at her she immediately starts laughing and her eyes get as big as quarters. She says “mom….seriously have you looked in the mirror? Please tell me you are not going out of the house like that…PLEASE?” Wow, I have succeeded in making my child think I have completely lost any sanity I had left. So anyway, I now have a disco ball in my nose, the fire has been extinguished, the poop is out of the tub, I have a clean baby, the dogs are safely tucked away, I am a good person and God loves me, the wine bottle is empty and I still do not have my statistics paper even started.