Okay so yesterday one of my friends said she was getting old and she said I was still a “frying chicken”. I asked her how old she was and she said almost 47. Well, okay I am only a few years behind you. OMG…then it hit me “Holy Shit, I will be 40 in 3 months”!!! 40 years old…I am over half-way through my life and I am totally sad about that…okay I am f’n depressed. I don’t wanna get wrinkles and gray hair. I wanna stay young and “hip” (okay I am definitely not hip…..or at least my kids don’t think I am). You know a few years back I was the mom that all my son’s friends liked. He was on the football team and I remember one day he got in the car after practice and he looked pissed off. I asked him what had happened imagining that one of the other guys or the coach (who I had a huge crush on) had done something to make him mad. Oh no…that was not it. He turns to me and I quote “Mom please find someone else to pick me up from now on and you are not allowed to come to anymore of my games…EVER….do you understand?” I just sat there looking at him like WTF?? About that time three boys knock at the window and ask if they can come spend the night. Jake rolls the window up and tells me to drive. I later realize that they were making him feel very uncomfortable in the locker room because he had a “hot” mom. LMAO…now I have never found myself “hot” in the least bit but you all know how teenage boys think. They are not focused on anything but hot girls…..or older women for some reason. I found it quite hilarious but quite a compliment at the time. Over the past few years I have gained over 50lbs and honestly I have let myself go downhill. I hate it….and I hate the fact that I am getting old. I know considering the alternative aging is a good thing but come on now who wants to wear granny clothes and get their hair teased up in a poof ball that lasts for a week at a time? No rudeness to you grannies because I love you and I myself am now a granna although I don’t tell anyone. I noticed the “crows feet” around my eyes the other day and the f’n cellulite dimples on my ass. I freaked out…totally freaked out. I got online and looked up every product that is supposed to magically get rid of these monstrosities. You want to believe they will vanish and just go away. I know this isn’t going to happen and I have to accept the undeniable fact that I can’t stop the aging process. Okay…hell no….I am fighting it every step of the way and I think I have hit my midlife crisis early. I got a wild ass hair the other day and went and had my nose pierced…yep I did. I still have my belly button ring (which you have to go on a scavenger hunt to find ). I be damned if I take that sucker out because as long as it is there maybe just maybe I will have incentive to find it again. I still have those sweet boxes of hair color that hide the fact my kids are turning my hair a different color and I have all those little facial products that will hopefully keep my wrinkles to a limit. I don’t know if you have seen “This is 40” but if you haven’t go rent that bitch today and watch it. It gives us ladies some hope and some consolation in the fact that 40 isn’t the end of sexiness! I am taking a lesson from the mom in it as well…..I am now and forever 38 and I am sticking to my story (my lie actually). From now on I am gonna party like it is 1999….lmao….I just had to throw that in there. Geez can you remember when 1999 seemed so far off and honestly believed we would be in flying cars by then…I do. Oh wow…how time flies by. Andy Rooney was absolutely right when he quoted “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes”. True statement right there. I know I will not handle August 31st very well and as a matter of fact I will probably eat the whole damn cake myself, scarf down a gallon of ice-cream, and cry in my wine all night long. So, right now I am starting to prepare myself for my meltdown…the meltdown of the century. Now, I must go color my hair, do my sit ups, and apply my wrinkle cream.