It’s been way too long since I have written anything. However, I decided over the past few weeks that although this blog is entitled “The Madness of Mommyhood” most of my thoughts are not about that topic, for the most part. My mind is a very complicated thing. It stays in a complete state of chaos. I never know when the day starts if it is going to play nice or if I am going to have to battle it all day. The last few years have really taken a toll on how I view life in it’s entirety. The depression comes and goes but for the most part it comes. The medicines just can’t seem to take the darkness away on most days.
I’m supposed to be this “happy” person all of the time and the truth is we all have this sadness inside that sometimes takes over. I’m not saying my life sucks or that I don’t want to live. That isn’t it at all. What I’m saying is that at age 39 I am looking back over my life saying “why” or “what was I thinking”. You hear people say I have no regrets…bullshit. We all have regrets and if we didn’t then we wouldn’t be human. My regrets lie mostly in the fact that I didn’t spend enough time with my loved ones before they were pulled away from me back into the universe. I miss my dad and my brother so much my heart literally aches. You know I can remember being this smart ass, know it all teenager who thought she had all the answers and that her parents were complete idiots who just wanted to rule her life. I remember saying I hate you on more than one occasion. I also remember both of my parents at some point saying “you will regret all of this someday but by then it will be too late”. Guess what? They were entirely right. My dad is gone. I can’t call him up, I can’t go see him, I can’t wish him a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. I can’t tell him I love him and worst of all I can’t hear him say I love you. Death takes more than the person it takes the heart of those left behind.
I don’t think my heart will ever heal from the loss. I think what it is about is learning to live with the grief. It is about learning to get up each day and go on with life even if it is without those we love. I still feel him around me at times and I see him everywhere. I hate feeling this way because so many people out there have it much worse than I do. They have lost children which is something I don’t think I could ever recover from. I have some friends who I think of each day. I think of their heartache and I want to help them but I know it is impossible. If I can’t help myself how am I supposed to help anyone else. Depression sucks ass and death sucks even more. Yes, I have depression. Yes, I have lost the most important people in my life. Yes, I fall apart on more days than not. Is that okay? Yes, it is. Throughout the journey I have learned that I don’t have to be happy every minute of everyday. I keep as positive as I can be and I look for the good things in everything. It has made me more aware of how precious life is and how important it is to tell my husband and kids how much I love them every single day. My struggles have taught me what it is to be a friend and that judgment of others is a waste of time and pretty toxic. I’m me…plain and simple. I’m a mess most times but being a mess has led me to being kind and more understanding. I don’t think every thing in life happens for a reason but I do believe that we have a purpose. My purpose in life is to reach out to others and to give them hope. It is to tell them that in life they are going to face many struggles and they are going to be sad but in that sadness they will find the strength it takes to climb the mountain. It is okay for you to be sad. It is okay for you to completely break down. Don’t compare your trials to other people’s because that isn’t fair. You are a unique person and your life is unique to YOU. The big thing is learning to live in the NOW. Yesterday is gone and we have to learn to let go. The future isn’t here and honestly it may never come. Don’t worry about it and let it consume you. You are here in the present and you have to learn to accept that and enjoy it. That is all you have for sure…the here and now. Love today. Say what you need to your loved ones. Act as everyday is your last because if you do then you are going to do things that normally you take for granted or forget to. Hug a little tighter, love a little more. I don’t know if any of this has made sense because I am on the struggle up the mountain today. I just wanted you to know it is okay to be sad but don’t forget to live. Don’t force a smile when you don’t feel like smiling but when you do feel like it then smile with all you got!!