Invasion of the Germs!

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that we have a super bug living amongst us or it could be the fact that our family is bigger than the friggin Brady Bunch ever thought about being and we pass that shit around like playing hot potato while singing kumbaya.  My 12 year old who goes to public school, where all the cool germs hang out, decided to go on a date with strep throat the week before Christmas. She missed three days of school, went back for two, and then missed the last three before break.  Can we say truant?  Yes, she is and I am her enabler.  However, this time she was really sick.  I know because I took her temperature which was increasingly elevated and made a doctor’s appointment (as us nurse’s only do when we figure out we can’t fix them at home).  Well, strep left Jaylee and hit on her mama!  That’s right because Jaylee’s mom has got it going on (you just sung that line, right?).    So, I end up carry the damn strep throat around and in the process give it to my toddler because she co-sleeps with me and is right in my face all night long (not to mention her stealing my drinks right off the table).  In the meantime, my grandson ends up at the doc with an upper respiratory illness and a double ear infection.  Now, I’m laid up on the couch crying like a baby because I want my mama but unable to rest because I am not caring for a two year old with strep and a one year old with cooties of all sorts.  Why is it we moms (and some dads) never get to be sick.  I just want one time to get to fully experience my germ.  I want to embrace it and milk that sucker for all the TLC I can get.  I wanna lay up in my jammies in bed all wrapped up in my fuzzy blankie with a nice warm cup of coffee in hand and an awesome Jodi Picoult book in the other while my little minions wait on me.  I want to yell “Hey drama queen I need some sprite and Hey hubs I’m cold, can you cover me up”.  Like that shit is ever going to happen.  Hell no, I gotta peel myself up off the couch and clean up the puddle of puke from the two year old and bathe the one year old because he just spewed his medicine like a snow blower all over himself, me, the couch, and the walls.  I have to strip the bed because of the diarrhea that oozed out the sides of the toddler’s diaper while she was sleeping and ran over under my nice clean pajamas and kindly soaked through to my skin.  Mommyhood….oh the joyous occasions.  Well, I mend up quickly and get the toddler back on track and feel good for all of one day before the 12 year old starts vomiting and running a fever.  YES, I am so ecstatic.  The strep guy has gone and now it’s the bug guy.  This is no ordinary bug let me forewarn you.  No this is one of those super size me bugs that attaches itself to your stomach and then begins to play whaley on your body.  It has control and it is steering you which ever way it wants.  “Oh lets push this button.  What does it do?  Oh awesome, diarrhea.  Now on to push this button, YES, vomiting!  What does this button do?  Oh great fever!”  It continues to push the button so fast and hard that before you know it you are sitting on the shitter with a trashcan in front of you and a cool wet towel on your forehead. I mean it is bombarding every orifice of your body and you are pretty sure that before long either shit or vomit one is going to shoot out your ears or eyeballs.  Yes, this treacherous bug knocked my 12 year old out, moved on to my oldest, and then the grand baby.  I tried to keep them confined to their bedrooms on the opposite side of the house and I wore a gas mask, gown, and gloves when I entered their room.  I made them choke down garlic, echinacea, and silver-sol by the handfuls.  I loaded everyone up on phenergan to stop the vomiting and just when I think they are good to go I hear the rumbly of my tummy.  I begin to feel my stomach swirl around as if it is telling me to take cover. Within minutes I am clinging to the white thrown like it is my only hope for survival.  I have the toddler tugging at my shirt and the dog attempting to lick my face, awesome.  I survive the first round of assault and manage to clean myself up and get some jammies on.  As I am slowly crawling to the bed I hear the sound that all moms fear.  I hear the toddler behind me gagging and as I slowly turn around it all happens in slow motion.  She is standing there with a “help me” look on her face, her mouth opens up, she throws herself forward, and then the entire helping for spaghetti she had for lunch spews forth like a mighty volcano as it erupts.  It lands on the dog, on me, and all over the cream colored walls.  Back to square one.  I’m tire of you fucking bug.  I am going to squish you like a pancake.  You just wait!  I am putting on my boxing gloves and I am going to take you out like the trash…….but not for the next two weeks because I am so weak from vomiting and shitting and caring for others who are vomiting and shitting that right now I am just going to let you hang out with us because I’m cool like that.  So here we are over a month later and I am laid up in bed with my Mittens boo because she has a fever and has been vomiting on and off all night.  Everyone else in the house is free and clear at the moment.  I have locked the bedroom door and no one is coming or going.  I will smother this damn bug out yet.  I have an arsenal of lysol, hand sanitizer, soap, vitamins, and popcicles.  We will survive.  You may have won the battle germ but you have not won the war!!  Lock up your windows and doors because I am about to kick this piece of shit out of my house!  He will be on the lookout for a new host!  He loves warm bodies and preferably busy moms and children who need to go to school.  Good luck!!!Image

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