If you are a mom (especially of an older child) then you know just how fast time goes by. I’m mom to four bio babies and one step baby and I know for me I feel like motherhood has been a whirlwind. My oldest has a child of her own, my next oldest is out on his own, and while the others are still here with me they have come to the age of “Don’t bother me or OMG you are embarrassing”. So, I’m left with my last baby or our grand finale as we like to call her.
Mittens is three years old today and it is just so hard to believe how quickly she has grown. Three years ago I was in a deep depression after burying my dad and at the time I was caring for my mom who had nearly been killed in an accident. Life was just not good. I was really in a state of numbness, anger, and sadness. Kyle and I talked about having a baby but I had so many doubts. I was unsure of our financial state, of my mom’s health, and honestly if I wanted another child. All of ours was up old enough to do things for themselves and I was at a point where I could lay down and sleep whenever I wanted to. That was a plus!
I decided that even though I loved the freedom I needed a little light in my life. I just threw caution to the wind as I decided to have another baby. Only a month into trying we found out we were pregnant. I was immediately in love with the little being that was growing inside me. The pregnancy would not be easy and some days I would question what the hell I was thinking. I was having to care for my mom 24/7 and it was exhausting. Lifting, changing, bathing, feeding……without a break. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to balance everything but it wasn’t like I could just do a re-take.
I found out pretty quickly into the pregnancy that I had placenta previa so I was put on partial bedrest and monitored very closely. I had an ultra sound once a month so I was lucky to get to see my tiny, growing bundle of love so often. I was already high risk because of my age and my last pregnancy I had also had placenta previa. I really struggled with everything going on but I was so happy. I enjoyed the changes in my body and I felt beautiful inside and out. Being pregnant was a relief to me in so many ways and after all the sadness I had faced over the past year this was such a precious state to be in.
At 24 weeks I was lying in bed one night and felt a pain. I thought I had wet myself so I got up and went to the toilet. When I wiped there was blood. I immediately freaked out and started crying. I called the doctor and he told me to go straight to labor and delivery. I sobbed the whole way there. Once they got me hooked up and ran a ton of tests I was relieved to hear the sound of her little heartbeat. I was terrified that I was going to lose her but after a night of observation I was told I could go home on complete bedrest. The placenta was in danger of tearing away from my uterus so I had to use extreme caution.
My due date was August 17th but due to the complications I was scheduled for induction on August 8th. I went in that morning at 5:30 am and was prepared to meet my sweet angel. I was hooked up to the pitocin and my water was broken. At around 10am the pains began to get pretty miserable and the doc ordered an epidural (thank you Buddha). Around 3pm I began feeling a lot of pain and pressure in my bottom. I knew it was getting close. At 4:37 pm my sweet Hallie Raygan finally came into the world “sunny side up” which had made the pushing process a wee bit harder.
I remember the doc saying “oh wow, look at that hair” as he laid her up on my chest. I looked down through the tears in my eyes and saw the most precious, perfect little life ever. The doc handed the hubs some scissors and he cut the cord. Her cry was amazing and music to my ears. I pulled her up next to my breast and put her head on my heart. Tears rolled down off my cheek onto her little face. I was in complete and utter amazement. I immediately relived the moments I had with my previous babies and I knew at the moment that I was complete.
As women we are so lucky that we are the ones who get to carry the life inside of us. We are lucky that, even though the pain is severe, we are the ones who get to bring new life into the world. It is an experience beyond comprehending. It is beautiful.
I gave Mittens life that day and she gave me a rebirth. She came into my life and she wiped away the fog that had covered my eyes. I had quit living and I had forgotten what life was truly about. I learned in that moment that the love of a child literally breathes life into a mom’s soul. Our children are the literal beats of our hearts. They are the reason we wake, the reason we work so hard, and the reason we push to be the best person we can be.
Mittens has been my inspiration for the past three years. I was lucky in that I have been able to work at home so I spend every waking moment with her. I have seen her reach each milestone rather than have someone else tell me about it. I have heard all of her laughter and her cries. I’ve been able to hold her through each illness and comfort her every fear. It’s been her mommy who has cared for her and for that I am thankful. This little girl is the sunshine in my day and the stars in my night. I love her beyond measure. The only regret or sadness I have is that my sweet daddy never got to see her.
I just want to say that I love you Mittens. I will also be here to offer you support and advice. I will wipe your tears when you cry and share your laughter when you are happy. I will nurse you when you are ill and I will carry you when you are weak. I will push you to reach your goals and encourage you to chase your dreams. I will teach you right from wrong and I will instill a sense of self-worth in you. I will teach you that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you. I will make you angry more than once and I’m sure I will even make you hate me a few times but one day you will see it was for your best interest. I will do whatever I have to in order to keep you safe from harm. My child I would walk through fire for you. You are part of who I am and without you I am not whole.
I LOVE YOU!