Today has been one of those days where the word “fuck” is just not strong enough. I am so angry that Walt Disney taught us little girls to believe in happily ever after. I mean, really, what does that even mean. There is no such thing because happiness in life has to be balanced by sadness. Life is the predecessor to death, right? I mean, if you live then you have to die and dying is not a pleasant thing. I totally get it when the shrink says that we can’t focus on death but damn, it is just right there hovering over me, taunting me, and patiently waiting to suck the last breath of life from my cold, lifeless body. Hell, today I am thinking that as bad as I dread dying, today I’m thinking at least it would be quiet in the afterlife. I feel like when I finally grab the tail of happiness there is always a friggin rock or limb in the way, I trip, and lose my grasp and life just escapes me. I picture myself running through a maze and as I see life rounding the corner just ahead, I feel elated at the fact that I’m about to catch it. It peers out from the corner and gives me an evil grin while smirking as it taunts me because life knows it has the upper hand. It can change up at any given moment and completely rearrange every single thing that I thought I knew or was right about. I long to go back to my childhood when life gave me something forward to look to; when it seemed to play more fairly. Life was simple. The biggest concern was “am I going to get to play outside today”? The worst thing to happen was getting a case of cooties from the boys. Skinned knees even healed with the brush of a kiss. No one prepared us for the detour that was ahead or the heartache of adulthood that just never ceases. I breezed through all of those years thinking l knew all the answers and no matter what it would all be okay. Guess what? I was so very wrong. I am talking dead wrong. All the innocence just fades away and the monsters come out to play. The sad thing is even though you encounter many monsters, you realize a few of them live inside you.
Human beings, and I speak for all of us, can be pretty vile at times. Don’t try to deny it either. We hurt each other over really insignificant things sometimes. We are such a complicated species when we really don’t have to be. We are fueled by emotions…both good and bad. The thing is, we allow those negative emotions to control our train of thought and our actions. The really sad fact about this is that we don’t even realize how nasty we can be sometimes or how selfish we can be. I, myself, didn’t realize how cruel I was at times. I hit my late 30’s and it was like a highlight reel was played just for me, in my honor, to show me all the times I was inconsiderate of others, mean to others, or just plain selfish. I was suddenly transported back in time to moments that I am so ashamed of today. Moments when, in anger, I would scream “I hate you” to my mom or “it’s my life and you are ruining it” to my dad. I even remembered specific times when my mom would call as I was getting off from work and ask me to pick up something for her from the store. I would get so frustrated because I just wanted to go home. I would be ill with her and sometimes even tell her I would get it the next day. I remembered a day when my dad showed up at my new house (where I was living with a girl who was not a very good influence) and took my kids. He loaded my son and my daughter up in his car and he dared me to try to stop him. He looked me in the eye and told me when I made up my mind that my kids came first and found a new place to live, he would gladly give them back. At age 22, I was pissed! I mean livid and ready to tear into him. I wasn’t a bad mom and how dare he tell me any different! I told him I hated him and I didn’t care if he died. Those words were like a blazing fire on my tongue and the minute I said it I knew how wrong I was. I was so ugly inside. I could go on and on and tell you the thousands of mistakes I made in my early years but that wouldn’t do you or me any good. However, I will tell you that every single thing you do in life catches up to you at some point and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Me? I cry. I sob. I do it often too. Today, well today was one of those days. You see, I am now in his shoes. I am the parent and I have one of those hard headed, I know it all, you are ruining my life, children. To top it off she suffers from bipolar disorder (which is extreme) and more often than not she has me in tears. I see her destroying her life piece by piece but I can’t stop her. When I do try, I am met with such resistance and such anger. She begins to spit words at me that I would have never thought of saying to my dad. I learn real quick how “worthless” a parent I am and how I have never done anything for her although I have been her main caregiver for 23 years. I have fought for her no matter what and now I see how I enabled her to continue on with her negative behavior. In amidst all the yelling and arguing, I have such a heavy heart and I just want to pick up the phone and call my daddy. He could fix this…I just know he could…if only. You see he is gone now, buried six feet under the hard cold ground. If I want to tell him how right he was and how wrong I was, I have to go visit him at the cemetery. I pick up the phone and I call my mom who, bless her heart, has short term memory loss and will forget our conversation within 15 minutes after we have it. That doesn’t matter though because for the duration of our call she gives me advice, support, and she tells me how much she loves me. It’s amazing how we can carry on a conversation, get along, and really share our feelings now. Most of the time I have to talk through the tears because I regret the past so much and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. After losing my dad, I realized I would never hear his voice again and that cut so deep. Now, I find myself saving voice mails from my mom just so I have her voice to listen to once she is gone.
There really is no “happily ever after” so don’t be fooled. However, there are happy moments and it is those moments that we have to cling onto with all we have. Life is short and it ends in death. Death is permanent. Our lives are made up of pieces of our loved ones and happy moments with those loved ones and friends. Of course the bad times have to fit in there but we have to somehow figure out how to minimize those times. Me, well I have a hard time dealing with the hard times. Sometimes, I just don’t deal at all and that is when I find myself curled up in a ball sobbing and wishing I could change the past and extend the future. Days like today when I don’t have enough curse words to cover the anger, pain, and regret. Life isn’t great all of the time and there really isn’t a “happy ever after” so we have to make the best out of it. I live by the motto “it is what it is” and honestly that is as true as it gets. Shit happens. We just deal with it and push on.
I wish I could change the world, find healing for the sick, kindness for the wicked, and love for those who hate but since I can’t I will just strive to live a better life and hopefully make up for all the wrongs in my life.